The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
