I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
