mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
