WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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