Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
