dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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