If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
