i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
