Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
