Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
