You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
