I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
