i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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