Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
