I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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