remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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