I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
