Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
this is an emotional support booty call
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
