The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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