Ambien. No doubt about it.
I faked an abortion last night.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
