i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
