worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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