I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
