im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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