Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
