im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize