it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
