I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
