I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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