if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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