whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
