i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
