What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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