he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My ATM looks so different sober.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
