i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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