im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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