Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
