Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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