I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
