mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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