I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize