my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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