We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
