im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
