Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
