Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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