and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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