he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
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