he told me I talked like a deaf person
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
