If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
It's shark week go big or go home
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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