Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
if only i could text you this smell
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
