i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Randomize
