you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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