I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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