i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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