i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
