First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
