mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
