I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
