I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
