my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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