tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
