Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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