dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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