Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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