I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
