After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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