I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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