Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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